Empty Promises

Even if I tell you that things are alright, I would be lying, majorly. Of course things aren't the same. You've change to become what you are today, and I've changed and followed my own path. I am ready to give all to God, follow His ways and feel His love, but are you? It is up to you on how you decide to live your life. And I can tell you first hand (no sugar-coating) that you are different now then you were before. And I think I was more comfortable with the previous you. Yes, all the late night chats are missed dearly but you have your own life now. I don't think that your life can include the likes of me.

Yes, I know that I've promised to try to salvage what is left with this broken friendship but I can't. It is too hard and the demands are too high for me right now. You like things this way, but I like things that way. Your feelings are like that, mine are the complete opposite. And what really hurt is that, even if you said you've tried, it wasn't enough. There wasn't any messages till you come running when there is trouble. Besides being there for you, when I needed you, you weren't there. Others were. And honestly, that just made me lose confidence in you. Since you already posted your views, this is mine. I think people aren't dumb enough to not know that this is between you and me. But since it is already like that, it is irreversable. 

Whatever I've said about you before, was done in anger and disappointment and they got the best of me. When they say that the worst enemy is the mouth, I can safely agree. That happened when I was shocked into seeing that you've changed since school. And I guess I wasn't ready to face that. I don't think I still am ready to face.

It is never that simple. But it is not hard for I don't have to be in your shoes to figure out. You made your decision long ago and everytime I asked, you weren't there. Everytime I called you, you didn't pick up. When I was in need, you couldn't be found. This is how I feel, felt and still feeling. And so, I assumed that you already chose. The choice is not hard, actually. Love before friends. I am not upset that you chose him, more upset by the fact that you only came to me, to talk to me when you and him were on the rocks. I felt used. Like that's all I am to you. When there is hapiness in your life, you don't even contact me. But when you are in trouble, you come back. I was willing to tolerate the first few times, but it got so taxing. And it was me that use to start conversation, call you and talk to you. You never once took the iniative to call me, and I had to call you everytime. When you were hurt, I called. But what about the times when I was hurt? I really HATE it when I am the one that looks like she is supposed to call first. EVERYTIME. Tell me honestly, how often did you call me just to chat compared to the ratio of me calling you for the exact same reason. 

I still love you, way deep down in my heart. People, my friends, are wondering why I still hold on to this friendship. I am starting to wonder too. I mean, it might look like you are the only one doing all the work, but I feel it too. And I gave up. I can tell you that since December, I gave up on this friendship. I gave up in waiting in hope that you might just come and say hi. I gave up waiting for things to change. But I realised that I have changed. I know when things can last, and things won't. I'm tired of persueing them, whether love, life or friendship. If I know I have not a single chance, I forget about it. You can sum it up from here. And you not being in church does not help. How is it that I only see you when he is back, but otheriwise, you disappear? 

It's up to you to move from here. Like you said, I'm only a phonecall away. Your call, your life. I know that it is probably the worst time to post this blog. But I have to reply and no way I'm doing it through sms. 

If this is the last time we talk, I'm sorry things work out this way. But we did have a good run of our friendship. I still keep your letters and I do read them once in a while. But if it is not meant to be, what can we do about it.